I laughed when I read a Bloomberg story that reported, “China said it would ‘welcome’ a positive statement from the US on the stability of Chinese-held dollar assets during next week’s summit in Washington between President Hu Jintao and President Barack Obama.”

Apparently, that Bloomberg quote is probably taken from the actual remarks of Chinese Vice Foreign Minister Cui Tiankai, who is quoted to have said, “If the US makes a positive statement on this issue we surely will welcome that.”

I was chortling away as I thought to myself, “Okay, Chinese dude! We are positive! We are positive about the stability of your dollar assets! Hahaha! We are positive that the purchasing power of your US assets will fall along with the fall in the purchasing power of the dollar, you moron, as the Federal Reserve keeps creating more and more money, so that the government can borrow and spend more and more money, to support more and more people by, unbelievably, bailing out the greedy and the banks, as redundant as that is, with the growth in the national debt (the REAL spending deficit!) now amounting to an astounding 13% of GDP, with all of it adding to the money supply, which means much higher inflation in prices, a cruel misery inflicted on the people by the Federal Reserve because of the increase in tax revenues that, they are sure, will accrue to local, state and federal governments! Hahaha!”

That paragraph is a good example of how rude and disrespectful I can be when there is nobody around to hear me, and thus nobody around to say to me, “Stop that delusional, paranoid, xenophobic crap, sir, or I am going to have to ask you to leave the store and stop harassing other customers about how they are stupid, stupid, stupid not to buy gold, silver and oil when the Federal Reserve is creating so insanely much excess money!”

So, by not having to answer my critics by telling them, “Shut up!” I put the time to good use by examining the details, and was rewarded when my keen Mogambo Eye For Detail (MEFD) noticed that this Chinese guy is a lowly vice-minister!

A vice-minister! This means to me that he doesn’t have enough seniority to be a minister, see, or to have any opinion, about anything, that was not the exact same opinion as the minister’s, or he is going to find himself selling egg rolls and souvenir T-shirts to tourists at the Great Wall of China.

“So,” I say triumphantly, “Obviously, his words must be a code of some kind! What nefarious information does it contain, one wonders?”

This brings me to the point of all of this, which is that I wish to demonstrate, as the world-wide debut of a fabulous new offering from Mogambo Interstellar Enterprises (MIE), the remarkable Mogambo Translating And Decoding Service (MTADS).

To provide an actual demonstration of this exciting, new Mogambo Translating And Decoding Service (MTADS), firstly, let me draw your attention to how we merely input the original statement, in this case the Chinese saying, “China follows very closely the economic health of the United States and vice versa.”

Watch, then, hopefully transfixed in rapt attention, as I read the input data and seemingly go into a trance-like state, and how, after just a few, short minutes of spinning the words through my head, I cleverly and definitively decode the message to mean, “My superiors told me to say that China is watching you weenies ruining yourselves with your ridiculous economic model of increasing government intrusion into the economy and un-payable debts to finance a lifestyle of grubby profligacy, and we know that you Americans are spying on us and plotting against us, just like you are spying on, and plotting against, The Wonderful Mogambo (TWM), whose fabulous advice to us Chinese dudes was to accumulate as much gold and silver as possible so that we could more easily have a gold standard yuan, which would automatically make the yuan the strongest currency in the world, making the price of our imports fall, fall, fall so low that we could inflate the yuan for years to stoke domestic growth, but without any inflation in the prices of imported food and energy, whose prices keep dropping! Hahaha! You Americans are morons!”

A moment’s reflection should convince you that the message was correctly decoded, and so, if you are in need of such wonderful decoding services when confronted with other remarks made by other people, remember our motto: “Decoding: Finding out what those sneaky bastards are up to!”

If you don’t need such powerful decoding services because you just don’t care, or because you are stupid, or because you are too cheap to shell out thousands of dollars to some obvious Mogambo huckster running some stupid “decoding” scam that wouldn’t fool a pre-schooler, but you just want to invest your money someplace where it is guaranteed to go up in price, then I suggest that you buy gold and silver, because that is what has always happened to their prices in the last 4,500 years whenever any of thousands and thousands of dirtbag governments got so far in debt.

And, with a guarantee like that, investing doesn’t get easier than that! Whee!