As I was lying to my wife about where I had been when I was supposed to be home “over two hours ago,” it suddenly occurred to me that this is just an example of the lying crap that comes out of your mouth when called upon to cover up something bad about yourself.

For me it was that I was casually driving along, innocently on my way home to happily meet my loving family, when I saw that Lulu’s Ooh La La Lounge had, I guess, gotten their license back, and was having a “Get Acquainted Sale,” the specifics being drinks 3-for-the-price-of-1 and no cover charge.

Well, one thing led to another and then I was telling one of the pole-dancers named Amber that if she stuck her tongue in my ear, I would tell her how to survive the coming inflationary collapse being caused by the foul Federal Reserve creating So Freaking Much Money (SFMM).

She made an ugly face and said, “Eww! Gross!” and then started struggling to break free from my loving embrace, saying, “Let me go, you stupid old man!” which alerted me that she needed, you know, more convincing.

So I said, “If you don’t, then I won’t tell you the Big Mogambo Secret To Wealth (BMSTW), then you will be so destroyed by the inflation in prices that you will be begging me – begging me! – to let you do that tongue thing, and more! Much more! Oh, so much, much more! I am laughing diabolically at your choice! Hahahaha!”

Well, the reason I got home after just two lousy hours is that I got discouraged when she said, “We all know all about your stupid Big Mogambo Secret To Wealth (BMSTW), which is to buy gold, silver and oil stocks when the Federal Reserve is creating so much money, because that means lots of inflation in prices, which will destroy the currency, the kind that you are supposed to be sticking in my G-string, but you don’t, you cheap bastard!”

So you can see why I was trying to lie my way out of revealing the truth.

As for Ben Bernanke of the Federal Reserve, he is lying to cover up the sheer incompetence and Utter, Utter Failure (UUF) of the Federal Reserve in general since 1913, the UUF of his personal chairmanship of the Federal Reserve during the disaster of the last Five Freaking Years (FFY), and the UUF of the entire clot of neo-Keynesian econometric theoretical crapola that is still, unbelievably, all the rage amongst mainstream economists, the media and drooling morons, as entirely redundant as that is.

As a result of all of that disastrous Federal Reserve creation of money, food prices have been rising horrifically, at a reported 28% worldwide over the last six months, but Ben Bernanke is certain – absolutely certain! – that it is NOT related, in any way, to the enormous amounts of money that he has been creating for the last five years In A Freaking Row (IAFR).

In fact, Bernanke says that the inflation is “not a dollar effect, it’s a growth effect.”

My immediate, overwhelming outrage at such a preposterous, nonsensical idiocy is such that my brain kind of explodes, and I cannot actually form intelligible words, barely managing a kind of spluttering, raging incoherence.

My hands are clenched into fists, my neck muscles contracted into tight, stiff knots, and yet with a Mogambo Herculean Effort (MHE), I manage to contain my adrenaline-fueled need for vengeance against the Federal Reserve and their neo-Keynesian econometric theoretical stupidities, all of which have the effect of bizarrely recommending permanent inflations in the money supply, which causes inflation in prices, which is causing (at last count) 87 riots around the world.

And now that people are being killed, it makes you ask, “What price monetary growth?”

Easing one almost paralyzed-with-rage, ham-handed fist onto a button on the console, I will just switch you over to Dan Amoss, in his essay “The Food Crisis is a Dollar Crisis” here at The Daily Reckoning, who says, “At this week’s hearing on Capitol Hill, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke demonstrated a lack of understanding about what causes inflation. His comments reflected a belief that GDP growth causes inflation.”

Through gritted teeth I say, “Bravo! Well said!”

He goes on, “When asked about the impact of QE2 on global food prices, Bernanke responded that the destabilizing spikes are due to weather and rapid growth in demand for grains in emerging markets. What a lame excuse! As an admirer of Milton Friedman, he must know that ‘inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon.’ Inflation isn’t a ‘weather phenomenon.’”

His point is that inflation in all prices can only happen as a result of creating more money, as “Without forever-growing money supplies, price spikes in one set of goods, like food, would be offset by price declines in more discretionary goods.”

But that ain’t the way it is these days, and like I said to Amber, the stupid Big Mogambo Secret To Wealth (BMSTW) is to buy gold, silver and oil when the Federal Reserve is creating so much money, because that means lots of inflation in prices, and 4,500 years of history says that when inflation in consumer prices goes up, so do gold, silver and energy, saving the proverbial butt of those lucky enough to own them!

Whee! This investing stuff is easy!